And, I think it’s fun to look forward to things. An important and great part of the experience of a vacation for me is in the anticipation of the trip: looking forward to it, thinking about how enjoyable it will be, and telling everyone about my upcoming travel plans!

So, why do I stop myself so often from wanting what I really want?  Couldn’t that help me get what I want? Couldn’t it be fun to imagine what it’ll be like to get what I want? So, why stop myself?

I let concerns get in the way. Concerns about whether I’m wanting the “right” thing, being too ”frivolous,” whether I “deserve” it, the possibility that I might change my mind, or having no earthly clue “how” it could happen. And, of course, there are things that I’m not supposed to want: to be the center of attention, to receive praise, or to make lots of money easily.

Unfortunately, it’s normal and natural for us to repress our wants. Yet, in doing so we’re cutting off part of the possibility of actually getting what we want. What if we could set the concerns aside and allow ourselves to freely want? I think often the knee-jerk reaction is, “Then I’ll be disappointed if I don’t get what I want.”

Well, here is what I’m reminding myself of these days. I already don’t have the thing I’m afraid I won’t get, and I am already secretly or unconsciously wanting it. So what’s the harm in being truthful with myself and admitting I want it? In fact, given my beliefs about the power of our thoughts and feelings, it can only help me.

What about for you: What stops you from wanting what you want? And what are you willing to freely and audaciously want for yourself?

I’ll start: I want to dance on “Dancing with the Stars.”

Do we actually stop and let ourselves feel the emotions associated with the accomplishment? Or do we just shift our attention to the next goal/issue/problem and keep plugging away?

“Good” is vague; do we pay attention to how it really feels and welcome the emotions (which might include everything from overwhelming-tearful-joy to a simple-sense-of-contentment to pride to anxiety)?

Do we dampen the joy, pride, and gratitude with judgments like “I didn’t work hard enough” or “It might not last” or “I was silly to want that in the first place”?

Are you feeling “good” today?

Consider that in this very moment you are surrounded by the things that you’ve wanted that you’ve gotten. Your family, your career, your new iPhone, a reconnection with an old friend at a deeper level, etc. Yes, there might also be a flat tire, disappointing news, or that recurring issue you’re trying to fix in your life but consider that every day there is both evidence that you are accomplishing the things you desire in life as well as a pull towards the next challenge and or problem to solve. In Tiara we know that you always get to choose your focus.

So the logic is simple. Feeling good is an important element of living a fulfilling life you enjoy. Getting what you want feels good. Today you have things in your life that you’ve wanted. You can feel good today.

Share with us: What do you see in your life that you have that you’ve always wanted and gotten? How does that make you feel? How does focusing on fulfilled desires affect your day today?

Recently, I listened to a recording by Tara Brach, a clinical psychologist and Buddhist teacher delivering a weekly “Dharma” talk. It was the second time I listened to it and I was struck by how powerful the opening story was that I would like to share it here. She shares the story of how shortly after India became a colony of Britain, a group of British business men had a golf course built in Calcutta for their own recreation. Calcutta, however, proved to be a challenging place to play golf. Monkeys from a nearby habitat would come onto the golf course, take the golf balls, play with them and throw them around the course. The British business men of course saw this as a problem and tried various strategies to control the monkeys and keep them off of the golf course. They built high fences but the monkeys simply climbed over them. They tried luring them away from the course but the monkeys enjoyed playing with golf balls too much. And they seemed especially fascinated by the disturbed reactions the human beings had when their game was disrupted. Finally, in desperation the business men tried trapping the monkeys and having them relocated elsewhere. But for every monkey they relocated, another one would reappear. So what were the golfers’ options? They could continue their futile efforts to control the monkeys. Instead, they came up with a creative solution. The changed the rules of the game. For golfers on this particular course in Calcutta, they were obliged to play the ball wherever the monkey dropped it.

This “golfing with monkeys” story is a great metaphor for life. We all want life to go a certain way. And life does not always go the way we want. We make mistakes, we have bad days, other people say or do things we don’t like, and events happen outside of our control that we wish didn’t happen or happened differently. The real issue isn’t whether we can keep life from taking turns we don’t like but rather how we play the game when it does. So when I get a dent in the car, I can keep lamenting to myself that I should have been more careful or that idiot driver shouldn’t have run into me. Or I can really get that the “monkey threw the ball” and my car got dented and now I have a choice. I can play the ball where it is and look to see what action I want to take and choose a way of being that feels good to me (e.g., forgiving) vs. a way of being that does not (e.g., angry and righteous). When I play the ball in front me I am more firmly anchored in the present and better able to create a future I want.

How about you? Where has the monkey thrown the ball in your life? How do you want to respond?

However, at the very same time I was recognizing these positive things I was also experiencing hurt, anger, and frustration due to some loved ones’ mistakes and negative behaviors.

It occurred to me that these negative emotions also moved me; i.e.,  they share a similar intensity to the positive occurrences and I felt a dramatic shift in my emotions and my energy.  If I’m honest, although these negative emotions moved me – they also scared me.  How could I feel so proud and happy one moment and within the next 24 hours feel such intense anger and frustration about the same person?  It made me feel like I was doing something wrong; like I “should” not feel the frustration and anger – only the love.

Then something else occurred to me, I reminded myself feel how much I love this person and at the same time I told myself that loving and honoring myself (even knowing I may not be being my very best self) was perfectly OK.  I recognized it was a gift of acceptance, of me, of my son, and the situation.   And that moved me!

My lesson learned is that feeling moved and inspired doesn’t only come from happy moments . . .  it comes from living life and feeling alive.

So, what moves you?

I recently was dissatisfied with what was going on in a few areas of my life: I was getting sick too often and was very conscious of not getting enough sleep, I wanted to spend more time marketing and selling to get more business, I was looking to introduce regular cardio exercise into my life and wasn’t sure how to fit it in, and I didn’t want to spend any less time with my family. I had fallen into the trap of thinking that I had to sacrifice my satisfaction in one area in order to be fulfilled in another.

In fact, it doesn’t have to work that way. We’ve all probably had times in life where something shifted – in a positive way – in one area of life and then we began to notice related and possibly seemingly unrelated positive impacts in other areas of life.

For me, recently, the lynch pin was putting my cardio exercise in place and starting to run. I was nervous about doing this. It seemed if started running, I would have less time for the other things I wanted to do and that I might actually need more sleep as I’m shocking my body with this new activity. The concern was: Starting to run might make me more dissatisfied with some aspects of my life.

And the opposite phenomenon happened! I started running and I had more energy. I wasn’t necessarily sleeping more, yet I could tell I was sleeping deeply. I felt more energized. And a client I had worked with previously contacted me to start a couple of projects we had talked about months back. I was delighted with what was going on in these aspects of my life.  Were the positive impacts all directly related to running? Not all of it perhaps, yet I had the experience that I didn’t have to sacrifice other areas in life in order to feel good about my physical fitness.

This experience is a nice reminder. It reminds me: We don’t have to relate to satisfaction in our life as an “either/or” situation. Instead we can bring a “both/and” perspective.

Where have you – or could you – bring the “both/and” perspective to your life?

For example, Andrea, on of our European Tiara Program Coaches, chooses every day to “experience the magic of life”. She is choosing a context, filter, or lens to look through that tints her day-to-day events with what she considers magic. This is uplifting and energizing for her. For you, it might be something different that feels good and reminds you of how you want to be viewing life. On yesterday’s call some folks didn’t love the magic angle … but the did choose other lenses to look through like:

* I am open to the mysteries of life.
* I see God in everything.
* This life is amazing!

And some of us chose to believe in magic. At least for a day. To see what happened.

* What did you choose?
* What difference did that choice make?

So here I am starting over…well I am not completely starting over. I have some friends here and some great network connections and of course my family who have lived here a long time. And I am pretty clear that I want to build new communities and connections here. One of the communities I want most is a community of like-minded woman who are good friends, who support each other, and who I love being with. Ideally, I would like to find other women who are interested in personal growth, who share common values with me, and for some of them to have children close in age to my own children. And to be even more specific, I would love it if some of these women are married to men who connect well with my husband and we can get our families together. What I want most above all is to develop friendships with women where we feel free to just be ourselves with each other. We have fun, we enjoy our time together, and we make each other’s lives better.

So I have managed to meet quite a few women in the short time I have been here. Some of these women seem very nice and like there is potential to be friends. And some of these women seem to have no interest at all in being friends. Some women weren’t willing to have a conversation. Of course, I don’t know what I really going on with them but I don’t get the feeling that a friendship is in store for us. I think in the past I would have taken it personally. I would have assumed that the other woman didn’t like me, that perhaps she thought she was “better” than me, or that there was something wrong or unappealing about me. While any of that could be the case, I think sometimes there just isn’t a connection and in truth, many of the women I have met here already have well developed networks of friends and are not actually seeking more friendships. I am feeling amazingly at peace with however a woman responds to me. If we have a great conversation, that is great. If we make plans, even better. And if nothing comes from it at all…I am good too!

What is the difference in my attitude? It is the “next” attitude. When a connection isn’t made, I just say in my mind, “next.” Not that I am writing of the woman off forever or judging her. It isn’t “next” in a haughty or superior tone like at an audition. It is more of an “hmmm…guess that isn’t a match…let’s see what is next way of being.” I know what I want in a friendship and if it isn’t present, then I am totally willing to let things go, not take it personally, and refocus my energy on what I want and be open to meeting other friends over time. The “next” attitude helps me feel calm and trust that in time…maybe even a longer time than I would typically like…I will start to feel like I have a nurturing community. “Next” helps me remain committed to what I want and let go of the attachment of having to have it sooner, faster, or in a certain way. It may also be that is not the perfect timing when I meet a certain woman and that a friendship will be developed at some time down the road. “Next” helps me let go of having to be friends “right now.”

The “next” attitude also is very useful in business. Some people who come my way are perfect, ideal clients and it is a real match. And sometimes it is not an ideal fit so I create a win-win situation instead and refer that person to someone who is a better fit. The “next” attitude reminds to trust that there is someone else right around the corner who is an ideal friend, client, etc. The “next” attitude has become a great source of freedom!

How about you? Where do you have a “next” attitude? Where do you think shifting and bringing more of a “next” attitude would make a difference for you?

This summer I launched a girls’ basketball camp for a couple of weeks and hired two fantastic young 20 year old counselors (one male and one female).  My female counselor is beyond a doubt – the most remarkable woman I have ever met – any age – bar none.  I coached Molly about 8 years ago and she was incredible.  She wasn’t the best basketball player on the team, but she has been my stand out favorite player – I ever coached.

This week when I introduced Molly to the girls at the camp I explained that Molly was my all-time favorite player and told them why:

• She played full out and with incredible heart
• She was completely coachable
• She was a true team player on and off the court.

After I asked Molly to say a little about herself to the girls, I then shared why I asked Molly to be one of our counselors  by telling the girls about these 3 reasons listed above.  Then I asked Molly to explain to the girls why she was in a wheel chair.  Molly simply told the girls that when she was 15, she had a diving accident and she broke her neck, and she is now paralyzed from the chest down.  NO Drama – no big long story.   And with that, we started our camp.

Today, I watched Molly give instruction to girls with the same incredible heart, passion, and team player attitude she has always possessed.  I am so proud of Molly and the woman she is becoming.  She knows no other way to be or live – except to play full out.

So, let’s ask ourselves:

• Am I playing full out and with all my heart?
• Am I coachable and learning lessons as I go?
• Am I a team player in all areas of my life?

You know the answers and you know what to do!  Up your game – drop the drama – and be ready for what is coming your way.  That’s the game of life (and basketball too)!

Next, I have a serious “performance” itch going on. I really would love to sing or dance on stage. Yet, I mostly feel like I’m too old to start this (even though I know this is not true, I often feel this way). Then, I figure even if I had the talent and the venue in which to pull this off, where in the heck would I get the time? Don’t know what to do about that.

I was feeling frustrated that clear, easy solutions weren’t coming to me immediately. I felt like I “should” know what to do. I’ve figured out many things, why can’t I figure these out? And then I was getting really “serious” about my angst by telling myself that these are big areas in life. This is about a key passion of mine and a way to be physically healthy. I’ve got to find solutions!!

Then, I decided to do a very lovely thing. I declared both of these areas an “exploration.” Whew, what a shift in perspective that gave me! Now I can stop beating myself up for not having a perfectly laid out execution plan. I can play with ideas, be open, and know that my desired outcomes will arrive at the perfect time and in the perfect way.

What about for you? What would you like to declare an “exploration”?

I am not saying that it is bad to treasure things in your home or to hold onto things because you “might” use it someday or because it is nostalgic and reminds you of important events/times of life in the past. And I am saying that it is worth a more careful look at what “stuff” you have in your life that may not only be clogging up your closets, cabinets, and bookshelves but may also be clogging up your mind and spirit in some way. For example, I found all kinds of articles and books that I have never read. My mind tells me that I “should” read them so that I know more and can become more competent. In truth, it is very unlikely I will ever read any of these materials because in all honesty I am not inspired to do so. So I let them go.

And I went further. I purged cookbooks I haven’t opened in years but not parted with because in my fantasy parallel life, I have lots of free time to cook. I purged makeup and perfume I am never going to wear, clothes I don’t love, shoes that are beautiful but make my feet hurt, 10 year old towels, and a long list of things that I haven’t want to spend the money to replace but that I don’t enjoy or feel good about. Once I purged myself of so many material possessions, a great sense of peace and freedom came over me. And I can feel that I have let go of much more than material possessions. I have let go of mental “stuff” too. All those books and articles that I “should” read were ways of activating a sense that I am somehow not living up to my potential or doing enough as a professional coach. The cookbooks in some way contributed to a feeling that I should be a better cook, have more free time, and be more domestic. The clothes I don’t love and the beautiful shoes that hurt my feet left me feeling unglamorous and disorganized and once again with the feeling that I should be some other than I actually am. It was only after I let go off all this “stuff,” that I became conscious of their impact on my mind and how I felt about myself and my life. I can honestly say that I made many of the purchases thinking that the possession would somehow make me better, more attractive, more acceptable, or even compensate for something I lack. And I can say with in truth that nothing in my house has ever fulfilled that expectation. What I am looking for is not out there…it is in here…in me. And the freer I have become of material possessions, there freer I feel to just be me.

So I am committing on my journey to California to remain conscious of the material possessions I bring into my life and whether they feel true to who I am. And along the way, I commit to letting go of things sooner that are no longer aligned with who I am.
What “stuff” have you been holding onto in your life?
What are “stuff” are you willing to let go of?