For example, Andrea, on of our European Tiara Program Coaches, chooses every day to “experience the magic of life”. She is choosing a context, filter, or lens to look through that tints her day-to-day events with what she considers magic. This is uplifting and energizing for her. For you, it might be something different that feels good and reminds you of how you want to be viewing life. On yesterday’s call some folks didn’t love the magic angle … but the did choose other lenses to look through like:

* I am open to the mysteries of life.
* I see God in everything.
* This life is amazing!

And some of us chose to believe in magic. At least for a day. To see what happened.

* What did you choose?
* What difference did that choice make?

So here I am starting over…well I am not completely starting over. I have some friends here and some great network connections and of course my family who have lived here a long time. And I am pretty clear that I want to build new communities and connections here. One of the communities I want most is a community of like-minded woman who are good friends, who support each other, and who I love being with. Ideally, I would like to find other women who are interested in personal growth, who share common values with me, and for some of them to have children close in age to my own children. And to be even more specific, I would love it if some of these women are married to men who connect well with my husband and we can get our families together. What I want most above all is to develop friendships with women where we feel free to just be ourselves with each other. We have fun, we enjoy our time together, and we make each other’s lives better.

So I have managed to meet quite a few women in the short time I have been here. Some of these women seem very nice and like there is potential to be friends. And some of these women seem to have no interest at all in being friends. Some women weren’t willing to have a conversation. Of course, I don’t know what I really going on with them but I don’t get the feeling that a friendship is in store for us. I think in the past I would have taken it personally. I would have assumed that the other woman didn’t like me, that perhaps she thought she was “better” than me, or that there was something wrong or unappealing about me. While any of that could be the case, I think sometimes there just isn’t a connection and in truth, many of the women I have met here already have well developed networks of friends and are not actually seeking more friendships. I am feeling amazingly at peace with however a woman responds to me. If we have a great conversation, that is great. If we make plans, even better. And if nothing comes from it at all…I am good too!

What is the difference in my attitude? It is the “next” attitude. When a connection isn’t made, I just say in my mind, “next.” Not that I am writing of the woman off forever or judging her. It isn’t “next” in a haughty or superior tone like at an audition. It is more of an “hmmm…guess that isn’t a match…let’s see what is next way of being.” I know what I want in a friendship and if it isn’t present, then I am totally willing to let things go, not take it personally, and refocus my energy on what I want and be open to meeting other friends over time. The “next” attitude helps me feel calm and trust that in time…maybe even a longer time than I would typically like…I will start to feel like I have a nurturing community. “Next” helps me remain committed to what I want and let go of the attachment of having to have it sooner, faster, or in a certain way. It may also be that is not the perfect timing when I meet a certain woman and that a friendship will be developed at some time down the road. “Next” helps me let go of having to be friends “right now.”

The “next” attitude also is very useful in business. Some people who come my way are perfect, ideal clients and it is a real match. And sometimes it is not an ideal fit so I create a win-win situation instead and refer that person to someone who is a better fit. The “next” attitude reminds to trust that there is someone else right around the corner who is an ideal friend, client, etc. The “next” attitude has become a great source of freedom!

How about you? Where do you have a “next” attitude? Where do you think shifting and bringing more of a “next” attitude would make a difference for you?

This summer I launched a girls’ basketball camp for a couple of weeks and hired two fantastic young 20 year old counselors (one male and one female).  My female counselor is beyond a doubt – the most remarkable woman I have ever met – any age – bar none.  I coached Molly about 8 years ago and she was incredible.  She wasn’t the best basketball player on the team, but she has been my stand out favorite player – I ever coached.

This week when I introduced Molly to the girls at the camp I explained that Molly was my all-time favorite player and told them why:

• She played full out and with incredible heart
• She was completely coachable
• She was a true team player on and off the court.

After I asked Molly to say a little about herself to the girls, I then shared why I asked Molly to be one of our counselors  by telling the girls about these 3 reasons listed above.  Then I asked Molly to explain to the girls why she was in a wheel chair.  Molly simply told the girls that when she was 15, she had a diving accident and she broke her neck, and she is now paralyzed from the chest down.  NO Drama – no big long story.   And with that, we started our camp.

Today, I watched Molly give instruction to girls with the same incredible heart, passion, and team player attitude she has always possessed.  I am so proud of Molly and the woman she is becoming.  She knows no other way to be or live – except to play full out.

So, let’s ask ourselves:

• Am I playing full out and with all my heart?
• Am I coachable and learning lessons as I go?
• Am I a team player in all areas of my life?

You know the answers and you know what to do!  Up your game – drop the drama – and be ready for what is coming your way.  That’s the game of life (and basketball too)!

Next, I have a serious “performance” itch going on. I really would love to sing or dance on stage. Yet, I mostly feel like I’m too old to start this (even though I know this is not true, I often feel this way). Then, I figure even if I had the talent and the venue in which to pull this off, where in the heck would I get the time? Don’t know what to do about that.

I was feeling frustrated that clear, easy solutions weren’t coming to me immediately. I felt like I “should” know what to do. I’ve figured out many things, why can’t I figure these out? And then I was getting really “serious” about my angst by telling myself that these are big areas in life. This is about a key passion of mine and a way to be physically healthy. I’ve got to find solutions!!

Then, I decided to do a very lovely thing. I declared both of these areas an “exploration.” Whew, what a shift in perspective that gave me! Now I can stop beating myself up for not having a perfectly laid out execution plan. I can play with ideas, be open, and know that my desired outcomes will arrive at the perfect time and in the perfect way.

What about for you? What would you like to declare an “exploration”?

I am not saying that it is bad to treasure things in your home or to hold onto things because you “might” use it someday or because it is nostalgic and reminds you of important events/times of life in the past. And I am saying that it is worth a more careful look at what “stuff” you have in your life that may not only be clogging up your closets, cabinets, and bookshelves but may also be clogging up your mind and spirit in some way. For example, I found all kinds of articles and books that I have never read. My mind tells me that I “should” read them so that I know more and can become more competent. In truth, it is very unlikely I will ever read any of these materials because in all honesty I am not inspired to do so. So I let them go.

And I went further. I purged cookbooks I haven’t opened in years but not parted with because in my fantasy parallel life, I have lots of free time to cook. I purged makeup and perfume I am never going to wear, clothes I don’t love, shoes that are beautiful but make my feet hurt, 10 year old towels, and a long list of things that I haven’t want to spend the money to replace but that I don’t enjoy or feel good about. Once I purged myself of so many material possessions, a great sense of peace and freedom came over me. And I can feel that I have let go of much more than material possessions. I have let go of mental “stuff” too. All those books and articles that I “should” read were ways of activating a sense that I am somehow not living up to my potential or doing enough as a professional coach. The cookbooks in some way contributed to a feeling that I should be a better cook, have more free time, and be more domestic. The clothes I don’t love and the beautiful shoes that hurt my feet left me feeling unglamorous and disorganized and once again with the feeling that I should be some other than I actually am. It was only after I let go off all this “stuff,” that I became conscious of their impact on my mind and how I felt about myself and my life. I can honestly say that I made many of the purchases thinking that the possession would somehow make me better, more attractive, more acceptable, or even compensate for something I lack. And I can say with in truth that nothing in my house has ever fulfilled that expectation. What I am looking for is not out there…it is in here…in me. And the freer I have become of material possessions, there freer I feel to just be me.

So I am committing on my journey to California to remain conscious of the material possessions I bring into my life and whether they feel true to who I am. And along the way, I commit to letting go of things sooner that are no longer aligned with who I am.
What “stuff” have you been holding onto in your life?
What are “stuff” are you willing to let go of?

We all laughed because in that moment we all realized the insanity of what it looks like when we are so hard on ourselves.

Is it possible to produce the results you want without being so hard on yourself?  YES!  I believe we can produce results and do it with a lot of grace and ease.  I think that is what I love most about the Tiara community of women . . .  we love producing results, and getting what we want in life, and we expect to do so in a way that is inspiring and feels good.  It doesn’t mean we don’t work hard, but rather, it never feels like hard work.  In Tiara we challenge ourselves in a loving yet powerful way.

So as the second quarter of the year comes to a close, ask yourself two questions:

• what results do I want to produce for the rest of 2010?
• how do I want to feel while producing those results?  i.e., like it is a lot of hard work or by enjoying all aspects of it?

Once you have decided what you want and how you want it to feel . . .  now it’s time to take inspired actions and constantly encourage yourself in a loving and powerful way. It is possible.  I believe the secret rests in finding a way to lovingly challenge yourself to achieve what you desire.

Share with us what you are intending to produce and how you want it to feel.

For me, I want to have our Tiara Partners completely booked with new clients – AND – I want to feel like I’m on an exciting ride at an amusement park – thrilling and exciting the whole time.

Now, I handled it. I got a babysitter here and there, I took some things off my calendar, and I re-negotiated the timing on projects where I could. I was “doing” the seemingly “right” things, yet my “being” was out of whack. I had anxious energy seeping into most everything I was doing. I was jumping into superlative language in my head. I heard myself thinking, “I’m always overbooked. I’ve been behind for months. I can’t catch up on sleep. In fact, I’ve been tired ever since I became a parent!!” I let a one-and-a-half week tight spot rewrite the last three-and-a-half years of my life!

Ugh. I don’t want to think this way. I know it doesn’t serve me. I know the language inside my head affects how I feel. And, for a bit, I was feeling doomed. I was beating myself up for my supposed irresponsibility. I was really letting myself have it. I should’ve looked more closely at the due dates. I should’ve timed things out with more detail in my calendar. I should not be tired by the weekend. I was expecting so much of myself. I was acting like no one ever over-commits, like life balance is perfect 52 weeks out of the year, like no project ever takes more time than we think. I see that I was being way too hard on myself.

So, the next time I find myself up against a tight timeline (because, let’s be real, I’ll be here again) – I will not necessarily “do” anything different. Instead, I will “be” different. I will be nice to myself.

When you encounter “tight spots” in your life, how would you like to “be” different?

Why do I do that? Why do a keep magic and miracles at an arms distance? Why do I insist upon acting nonplussed and unruffled? Yes, I practice recognizing synchronicity and being grateful for blessings on a regular basis. But do I really allow life’s magic to be the priority and the guide everyday? Not when there are bills to pay. Not when I hear “bad” news. Not when it might get me stopped at the security gate.

While writing this it seems like the bravest thing to do would be to tell you all that when I get off this plane and land in Chicago that I will embrace magic fully, at the cellular level, in my smile and my step the presence of magic in my life. But I’d fail. I’d get off the plane and my usual expression and stride would take over immediately. So here’s what I will promise. I will be intensely present to, aware of, and thankful for magic moments over the next week. In fact, I’ll let magic be my priority and my guide! I’ll let you know what happens.

In the meantime, what can you do to be lighter, more present to magic, miracles, and synchronicity in your life today?

If tea leaves can give a glimpse into the future, could flecks of ash offer insights on attachment to an outcome?

Absolutely.

Last month, I was stuck in London longer than expected when the ash cloud from the Eyjafjallajokull volcano eruption hovered thick and unyielding over British airspace. I didn’t think much of it at first. My husband and I arrived Thursday, the same day as the ash cloud, but we had taken the train from Paris. There was no impact on our travels, just lots of anticipation for a fun weekend with a dear friend.   

By Sunday, though, the cloud hadn’t budged, Heathrow Airport was a ghost town and the closest cities with functioning airports were Madrid and Rome.  No one knew when things would clear. A queasiness grew within me as I ate breakfast and tried to read the papers. But the news couldn’t compete with the relentless chant in my head “When will we get home? When will we get home? When will we get home?”

On Sunday afternoon, United cancelled our Monday flight.

Logically, I knew that leaving on time had been unlikely, but it wasn’t until the flight was officially cancelled that it became apparent how completely attached I was to the outcome of getting home, and getting home as close to “on schedule” as possible. I was so attached, the situation felt catastrophic. My mind spun with Plan B options of somehow getting to Madrid and magically booking a flight despite the throngs of people already there or the continued spread of the ash cloud.  My friends laughed at my idea of booking an ocean liner to make the crossing the old-fashioned way, but I wasn’t joking. 

Nor was I letting the facts of the situation interfere with my rampant attachment. And the facts were pretty simple:

• I couldn’t vacuum up the ash cloud and clear the air for planes to fly again.
• I own my business, set my own schedule and am a writer so I can work from anywhere there is an Internet connection.
• My husband made arrangements to work as much as he could virtually.
• We didn’t have kids or pets or other dependents waiting for us at home.
• Although we hadn’t budgeted for extra days in an expensive city, we had some emergency funds stashed away.

Once I was able to see the truth of what was and we started to arrange our new reality (doing laundry, settling into a hotel room with a kitchen, clearing our schedules, buying a few groceries) my attachment released. It was gradual, like when you pull open Velcro slowly and it lets go loop by loop, but it happened. The day’s question moved from “how am I going to get out of here?” to “what should I see in London today?”

The airports eventually opened and we came home five days later than originally planned. During my extra time in London, I saw some great sights, bought a few souvenirs and came home with a new awareness of how limiting attachment to an outcome can be. It clouds your ability to see the possibilities right in front of you.

Barbara Govednik
Writer, Writing Coaching, Communication Strategist
www.423communication.com
www.423communication.wordpress.com

This happened to me a week ago.  My husband and I recently sold our house.  It happened so fast that we were not ready for the “buy” side of the transaction.  So, to take the pressure off, we decided, let’s just rent for a short time and figure out where we want to go next as we transition to being ‘empty nesters’.  Now, there were many variables I had to put into this equation, and I thought I was doing a good job of putting everything into the mix.  That was what I thought . . .  until . . .  I went along with a choice my husband and son wanted that I didn’t want.  I didn’t even realize I was doing this until I found myself getting both very emotional and also physically ill.

When I paused and said, “what’s going on?”, I realized that I was settling for something that was clearly NOT ideal for me.  It might work for my husband and sons, but it was not a win-win.  It was more like a majority rule and I was NOT in the majority.

The thing I found so frightening is that I wasn’t even aware of it.  This was so sneaky and stealth-like that I didn’t even realize I was doing it. And I think I am actually pretty good at recognizing things like that.  I am very grateful that my body took over and helped me take a step back and realize what I couldn’t see.  What a great lesson for me!

Where are you settling for less than ideal or less than win-win?  Where are you putting yourself last in an a equation instead of an equally weighted variable in the process?