Blog
Being Your Own Best Friend
by Alison Miller
September 29, 2011
Friendship is something that is an important part of our lives. We give our friends attention, we call, email and text, we get together socially, we seek support in times of needs and help each other, and we offer each other a source of pleasure, companionship and laughter. We count on friendship in many ways to improve the quality of our lives. If I were to ask you, “Who are your friends?” would you put yourself on that list? For most of us, we don’t stop to consider that we can actually be a friend to ourselves or that we can be kind and offer care and support to ourselves. Some of you reading this may genuinely enjoy time alone where you can be with yourself without conversation or interaction with others. That is a great way to reconnect to yourself and engage in “self friendship.” And we can go deeper.
You really can be there for yourself. In times of need, difficulty, or pain, you can be there offering care and comfort to yourself. Relating to yourself in this way is an important alternative to the inner critic that judges you and puts you down. Instead of beating yourself up and being hard on yourself, you can actually console yourself for the pain or difficulties you are experiencing. When you make a mistake or behave or perform in a way you find disappointing, you can reach from within yourself to yourself to extend compassion and gently encourage ourselves to make changes and get on a path that feels more aligned with the human being you want to be. Being a friend to yourself is about treating yourself with the same loving kindness and compassion you would grant to your friends.
When it comes to being a friend to myself, I like this Buddhist anecdote:
The Buddha was reputedly asked by his personal attendant, Ananda, “Would it be true to say that the cultivation of loving kindness and compassion is a part of our practice?” To which the Buddha replied, “No. It would not be true to say that the cultivation of loving kindness and compassion is part of our practice. It would be true to say that the cultivation of loving kindness and compassion is all of our practice.
In life, cultivating loving kindness and compassion toward ourselves is a very important way to become a friend to ourselves and it is essential to the quality of our lives. Notice that the word “cultivation” is being used. It takes time to develop such friendship. Be patient with yourself. I remind myself frequently that I am cultivating a more loving, kind relationship with myself over time. I am developing a relationship of compassion that encourages me to see myself more clearly, take responsibility for my life, and move my life in the directions that matter most to me. I am finding that being a friend to myself is ultimately a much more powerful motivator to live a life aligned with my values than the voice of the inner critic.
A simple key way I practice being a friend to myself is by asking the question throughout the day, “How I can I support myself and care for myself today?” This question and the answers that appear have been gradually redirecting me back to myself and how I can be my own best friend.
I would love to hear from you. What are you thoughts on being your own best friend? What ideas do you have to cultivate a true friendship with yourself?
If you are interesting in learning how you can be a true friend to yourself, I invite you to jump in and join me and Tiara Program Coach, Peg Rowe for the October Tiara TeleSeries: The Incredible Power of Self-Compassion. In this 4-sessionTeleSeries that starts October 4th,2011 we will be learning tangible strategies to develop a profoundly compassionate stance toward ourselves. Click Here for more information. Contact me at amiller@tiaracoaching.com with any questions.
Love this reminder. So important. I’m in the middle of caring for a new baby, 3-year old and running household, while working part time and just to reconnect to the idea that we can be kinder, gentler and more at ease with ourselves is so refreshing. Thanks for this great reminder and focal point.
Being my own best friend is a great mental reminder for me. I am a GREAT friend to others! I am a great mom to my sons, a great wife to my husband, a great daughter to my parents and in-laws, and a great sister . . . but if I were honest with myself, I don’t think I would say I am a great friend to myself.
Thanks Alison, for the simple reminder that being my own best friend is probably not instantaneously going to occur. It is a work in progress! Some days I will be better at it than others, and today, as I dig out from being out of my office for 2 weeks . . . it is a great reminder to be kind and gentle and supporting to myself. Great message.