Blog
Golfing with Monkeys
by Alison Miller
August 20, 2010
In Tiara this month, we have been focused as a community on what it means to be deeply accepting of ourselves, others, and life circumstances. This form of acceptance that we practice in the Tiara coaching groups has its roots in Buddhist teachings. It emphasizes cultivating the willingness to be present with the inevitable pain and challenges that occur in a human life without demanding that they not occur. It is not about passively accepting things, giving up or not taking action to influence our lives. It is an active form of acceptance where we make room for our own reactions to what happens in life (negative thoughts, judgments, emotions, impulses, etc.). We actually witness the thoughts and feelings we have and make room for them to exist without treating them as true or false. We allow them to just be something we happen to be experiencing. For example, if I am angry I can witness the anger; give it permission to exist without having to react to it with angry words or action. Such acceptance is what frees us to take action aligned with our values and our vision for our lives instead of living at the effect of our thoughts and feelings.
Recently, I listened to a recording by Tara Brach, a clinical psychologist and Buddhist teacher delivering a weekly “Dharma” talk. It was the second time I listened to it and I was struck by how powerful the opening story was that I would like to share it here. She shares the story of how shortly after India became a colony of Britain, a group of British business men had a golf course built in Calcutta for their own recreation. Calcutta, however, proved to be a challenging place to play golf. Monkeys from a nearby habitat would come onto the golf course, take the golf balls, play with them and throw them around the course. The British business men of course saw this as a problem and tried various strategies to control the monkeys and keep them off of the golf course. They built high fences but the monkeys simply climbed over them. They tried luring them away from the course but the monkeys enjoyed playing with golf balls too much. And they seemed especially fascinated by the disturbed reactions the human beings had when their game was disrupted. Finally, in desperation the business men tried trapping the monkeys and having them relocated elsewhere. But for every monkey they relocated, another one would reappear. So what were the golfers’ options? They could continue their futile efforts to control the monkeys. Instead, they came up with a creative solution. The changed the rules of the game. For golfers on this particular course in Calcutta, they were obliged to play the ball wherever the monkey dropped it.
This “golfing with monkeys” story is a great metaphor for life. We all want life to go a certain way. And life does not always go the way we want. We make mistakes, we have bad days, other people say or do things we don’t like, and events happen outside of our control that we wish didn’t happen or happened differently. The real issue isn’t whether we can keep life from taking turns we don’t like but rather how we play the game when it does. So when I get a dent in the car, I can keep lamenting to myself that I should have been more careful or that idiot driver shouldn’t have run into me. Or I can really get that the “monkey threw the ball” and my car got dented and now I have a choice. I can play the ball where it is and look to see what action I want to take and choose a way of being that feels good to me (e.g., forgiving) vs. a way of being that does not (e.g., angry and righteous). When I play the ball in front me I am more firmly anchored in the present and better able to create a future I want.
How about you? Where has the monkey thrown the ball in your life? How do you want to respond?
I loved this! Thank you so much for posting it. So appropriate for me at this moment. I like the visual of the monkeys having too much fun to stop playing with the balls. And the humans not finding this amusing.
I like the idea of playing the ball where ever it is dropped. That is a great way to think about the “things” that get “dropped” in our “lap” at different times during the day. Sometimes we initally feel angry or annoyed but creating a small space to think (open v. closed) or (freedom v. stuck), or about the metaphor of monkey’s in this case, allows for choice, freedom and power…yep that’s a new place to be. Of course, this feels better, it usually opens up options we weren’t aware of and it’s a place I want to respond from…more and more often, yes…good stuff.
Wow! This one hits home for me as it relates to my experiences living in Costa Rica. Instead of embracing the culture and the nature that surrounded me (both of which were very present and constant, as are the monkeys in your story) I internally and externally battled both. When we had no running water or electricity, I was angry and upset. Or if we sat in line at the bank only to be told that they were closing early, I would cry and become very impatient with any business transaction that we were trying to conduct there. I was so reactive that I had no energy for creating a solution. Had I recognized that a simple solution would have been acceptance, I could have spent more time enjoying Costa Rica’s beauty and its people.
I am so thankful to have recognized the power of acceptance. I used to think that acceptance was simply rolling over and giving up. Now I understand the opportunities that acceptance has created for me in my life… Freedom, Choice, Joy, and Gratitude.