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Good advice? Follow your own – first!
by Franciska Moors
May 18, 2011
I left my parents house when I was 18 years old, to live in the city of my university. Today I have two kids. They are really (semi) grownups of 19 and 21 years of age, still living at home. I never thought that would happen. And, as it is happening now, I find myself liking and not liking it at the same time.
I like it because I love to have them close by and I really enjoy the brief conversations that we easily share at different times during the day. It gives me joy.
I don’t like it because it challenges my automatic and selfcultivated patterns of mommy-ing, which includes giving instructions and advice. Often their ears and their hearts are not open and appreciative of this advice. That makes me immensily tired.
So, I’ve been thinking about this and analyzing what is making the difference for me between “joy” and “tiredness.” It would be easy to say it is all about them…
In Tiara we learn that however we feel is never about the circumstances, it’s always about our relationship to the circumstances. Thus, it is not about them following or not following my advice that is the key to me feeling joy or feeling tired. The real key is about me following my own advice!
Too bad, I don’t always like to “know” this part. Yet it is helpful to recognize where my true power is.
When my advice to myself is that “I ought to take responsibility,” chances are largely that I’ll get to feel tired. When my advice is that “I can say what I want and they have to deal with the consequences of whatever they do,” maybe I don’t feel joy, but I definitely am less tired. That’s good.
Now one more thing: I tend to forget this. How can I remember that I should listen to and follow up on my own advice – first and foremost? Any advice?
I think we should record the conversations we have with others and afterwards listen to them as if some other well meaning person is talking to us. I would be curious about the effect. I think I would be doing a lot less talking in no time.
I often have a lot of fun in my work as a coach imagining our roles (coach and coachee) to be reversed. First I imagine that my coachee is showing up at my doorstep to bring me an answer to a personal puzzle I am having at the moment.
Secondly I listen to what I am telling them AS IF it was something that I was being told.
Guess what, apart from the fun I gain a lot of wisdom from them AND the hilarious part: I get PAID for it as a bonus.
Life can be magic. It is a choice to approach it that way (wauw, good advice by the way……I may as well take it at heart…..)