Blog
Shifting Mindsets to Access Power and Freedom
by Alison Miller
December 17, 2010
One theme that keeps coming up over and over in my work as a coach with women in our Tiara program is the importance of understanding the fundamental mindset or context that is operating in the background of our lives. While there are many mindsets or sets of beliefs people have about themselves and the world in which they live, there are two key mindsets that I believe are particularly influential on our day-to-day experience of life and our access to freedom and ability to exercise our own power.
The first mindset is where we operate with the assumption that there is something wrong. We believe, something is wrong with me (e.g., I am not smart enough, I am too fat, I am not worthy, I am not good enough; I am lazy and unmotivated; If people really knew mean they would find out, My house is a mess; I am not responsible with money…) and whatever is wrong should not be the way that it is. And even if we don’t think anything is wrong right now, when operate from this context; we believe it is just a matter of time until something will be wrong.
Operating from the belief of “something is wrong,” has a profound impact on our stance towards life and our behavior. We consequently need to live in way that is about avoiding or preventing something from being wrong. So we brace ourselves in relationships for conflict and rejection or insist that loved one be a specific way. We interact with others saying what we think we need to say and do what we think we need to do to look good and prevent anything from being wrong. This approach only further fuels the feeling that we are a fraud merely covering up what we believe is not okay about us. We seek to perfect and compensate for what is lacking. We get lost in our stories about how we have been wronged by others and fall prey to a victim position where we abdicate our power for the payoff of being right about what is wrong. We work really hard and neglect ourselves and our own needs. We criticize ourselves often in an effort to ward off the critique of others. We may violate our own values and keep saying yes when really in our hearts we want to say no. We lose touch with our own intuition and instincts which get squeezed out by the booming voice of should that demands you fix whatever is wrong. In the “something is wrong” mindset, we have little compassion for ourselves (and often for others) as our minds relentlessly demand we don’t make mistakes and transcend being human as a creature who can at last find a way to right what our mind tells us is wrong. Sounds like fun doesn’t it?
When you have a particular mindset you usually can’t see that the mindset is an interpretation of reality, not reality or the truth itself. It just seems like the truth…it is the way life is from your own point of view. I realize many of you reading this blog can provide ample evidence to me that something is indeed wrong. I encourage you to consider the possibility that another mindset exists, one that you can choose as a context for your life (and if you are like me, you will need to choose it over and over again). This mindset is best to described as “I am where I am.” It is living from the belief that wherever you are is just where you are. If you make a mistake at work, it means you made a mistake at work without all of the layers of evaluation and interpretation you put on to the experience of making a mistake (e.g., I am stupid or worthless). If you have a fight with a friend or significant other, it is a fight not a sign of you or the other’s person’s inadequacy. When your house is a mess, you overeat, your computer breaks down, you lose a client, you bounce a check, or experience any myriad of issues in your life…they are events that happen rather than indications that something is wrong with you or the world. This is not to say that we sit back and tolerate life or that we don’t take action to improve our lives or address the challenges we face. Rather, the “I am where I am” belief is where you honestly and fully recognize where you are in any moment without judgment. When we look out at the world with a nonjudgmental, compassionate stance acknowledging where we are in any given moment something very important becomes possible. We become able to freely choose how we want to respond and act. We develop a deep willingness to be human and are freer to take action we choose to take versus being driven to act by the need to fix what is wrong. For example, after eating a great deal over Thanksgiving, I looked in the mirror and saw a “muffin top” of flesh popping up over the top of my jeans. And at that moment I recognized I had a choice. I could believe something is wrong (and I better fix it). Or I could acknowledge what was happening with my body in that particular moment. I ate a lot of food and now my jeans are tight and pressing my midsection up and over the top of my jeans. That is just what is happening. And in truth it is not inherently bad. This doesn’t mean I live in resignation or give up in any way. Or eat an entire cheesecake. Rather, I acknowledge what I see and my autopilot reaction that something is wrong. And then I choose to be accepting of my reactions to what I see.
Here is what it sounds like in my head from the “I am where I am” context. My body just is where it is at this particular moment. And given that I am where I am at this point, what do I want to choose? How do I want to live? What do I value? What really matters to me? Feeling healthy, strong, and vital is what really matters to me when it comes to living in my body. The relentless belief that something needs to be improved or fixed regarding my body distracts from what actually matters to me. When I am conscious of the two mindsets, I recognize the choice before me. I can aim to align my behavior with my values instead of the dead end pursuit of fixing myself and overcoming what is “wrong.” I can choose to be where I am now and from there choose to move in the direction of my values because it inspires me and provides a sense of meaning and purpose in my life. And I can forgo the need to be better, good enough, please, control and prove that nothing is wrong. I choose to believe that I am where I am! Sure my mind may keep telling me “your body doesn’t look the way it should look.” And I may experience negative emotions. Okay, well that is just what I am experiencing in the moment. And the opportunity to choose remains with me at all times.
When you catch yourself in the “something wrong” mindset, you can make contact with the “I am where I am” mindset by simply acknowledging, where I am right now is in the mindset that something is wrong” (and not make it wrong that that is where you are). Awareness of these two mindsets is a good first step and at the same time the “something wrong” mindset is pervasive in our culture and quite automatic for most of us. It takes practice over time and in truth, we don’t shift it just once. I am constantly amazed at how much my mind immediately tells me something is wrong all day long. And over time, I have become better and better at recognizing this mindset and shifting to the belief that “I am where I am.” I believe you can too.
What are your thoughts about the 2 mindsets?
In what areas of life do you operate with a “something wrong” mindset?
In what areas of life do you operate with an “I am where I am” mindset?
How do you see you can shift to the “I am where I am” mindset?
I look forward to your thoughts.